Open-Mouth Chewers

Some people fear that when they go to Hell (and I probably will), they will face a world of fire and brimstone. A place where demons will poke and prod at your flesh as you writhe in pain as Satan himself laughs at your misfortune.

I could only hope for such a fate, for I know mine will be much worse.

I fully expect my own personal hell to be populated by open-mouth chewers constantly enjoying a juicy meal right next to me for all eternity.

Where do these people come from? Who taught them how to eat? I once knew this girl...let's call her "Jenn L.". She was pleasant enough (in very small doses), but she really showed her white trash roots at lunch time. I can't describe to you the complete lack of attention she paid to her eating habits. I think I can only relate her chowing down on a sandwich to the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park" eating the lawyer: Just a whole lot of wide bites, lip smacking, and bits of food in her teeth.

I mean, by pure disgust at hearing herself chew you would think she would have self-corrected. Typically when a person performs an action wherein others stare at them in utter disbelief and disgust, that person tends to halt whatever it was they were doing. But no! No matter how incredulously I stare at her as she ruminates like a cow out to pasture, no matter how many blatant hints I drop, no matter how many times I dry heave in disgust, she does not get the hint. To her, this is all normal.

My solution: Death Squads. Just eradicate these people off the face of the Earth.

Brutal? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

Once we have rid the world of open-mouth chewers, it will be time to move onto the "Public Nose-Pickers". We'll save that for another blog...

Fuckin' D.C. (Had to put it in for good measure!)