Michael Bay Must Die!

Transformers: The Movie...enough said.

I was actually starting to get over my severe hatred for Michael Bay's salacious attempt at creating a live-action version of my beloved 80's cartoon. Then I stumbled upon an article in "The Onion" bashing his talent and mocking him creating a CGI Oscar for himself. Here is the link, it is hilarious:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/cgi_team_creates_realistic_oscar

But back to my main rant...I hate Michael bay. His career started innocently enough with cult blockbusters like "The Rock", "Bad Boys", and "Armageddon", but somewhere along the line of success Michael's insanity grew. He was granted bigger budgets. Michael pumped out "Pearl Harbor", "The Island", and "Bad Boys II". Somehow, explosions and bullets began to replace important aspects of the movie like "plot" and "character development".

The ultimate heinous act came when it was announced he was set to direct "Transformers". I knew my fate was sealed. I went, I saw, I vomited. Michael Bay systematically raped my childhood in a short 144 minutes. For those of you who took enjoyment in this tepid piece of cow shit, I pity you. I invite you over to my place where I will break out a couple seasons of the animated series and help rehabilitate you to the true mythos of the Transformers.

Then we can plot the assassination of Michael Bay over popcorn and sour patch kids.

Attack of the Killer Coffee

I'm at work. No one else is. All three of my bosses are out on vacation so it's a little quiet in the cubby. I get a little sleepy. I need help. Hmm...coffee might help. I venture into the break room to hunt down coffee. I find the filter. I find the ground coffee beans. I find the coffee machine.

And then I realize I have no fucking clue how to run it. Damn.

I hunt for directions. There aren't any. Damn damn. Alright, well I am a college-educated person, how hard can it be to make coffee? It's just coffee beans and hot water, right? So I fill in what I think looks like 4 cups of water into the coffee pot. I place the filter in the filter holder. I scoop in what I think looks like 4 cups worth of ground coffee. Now I look for the spot where I should be pouring the pot full of water into to begin the brewing process.

Correction, I STUPIDLY look for the spot where I should be pouring the pot full of water.

You'd think this would be a pretty clear part of the machine. I search for the "moron directions", usually a short phrase stamped into the plastic that states "Pour Water Here" so us college graduates can make coffee for our bosses and prove to ourselves the $100,000 spent over the past God-knows how many years was worth it. No such luck for me. Damn damn damn!

So I pick an empty hole in the machine and pour the water in. I hit the "Brew" button and the machine starts to rumble. I watch patiently, trying to determine if I have made coffee or if the machine is going to self-destruct due to water damage. A brown liquid trickles into the pot.

I've made coffee!

And then I notice...there's less coffee than what I thought was going to come out. No matter, I probably couldn't drink 4 cups anyway. I pour my first cup and dig in. Hmm...very bold. And a texture I've never really tasted before. Kinda tastes like...a mouthful of freshly ground coffee beans! I've made some form of "Omega Coffee". It tasted good though. Unfortunately, I was pretty much wired from 11am-6pm straight through. Then I crashed hard and took a 2 hour power nap. I guess I needed to recoup after all those hours of jittering. I'll just chalk it up to a learning experience.

Hmm...still really quiet around here. Getting a little sleepy. Think I'll make some coffee...

The D.C. Grass Toupe

So I'm walking home from work one day and I take notice of this really stupid stretch of sidewalk I am ambulating on. There's nothing wrong with the concrete. For the most part, the ground around the sidewalk is dirt or spotty patches of light grass EXCEPT for the 14 inches of pristine, thick sod lining the walkway. I'm hoping the picture I took with my cell phone clearly illustrates this bonehead idea.

Honestly, who are we fooling? It looks like a really bad toupe for grass with body issues. I just want to bring a comb and try to brush the grass over a little to better hide the dirt "bald spot". That way the grass can feel better about itself. I know if I had a toupe that had coverage like this, I wouldn't feel too good. I'm just trying to help the environment after all. If we're going to kill the planet, at least let it look nice as we do it!

I would love to meet the person who thought it would be a good move. Now I've been to many cities in this country and have yet to see something as silly as the "grass toupe", so I am chalking this up to yet another jackass D.C. thing. I've got this mental imagery of a bunch of politicians discussing how they only have enough money to sod a small portion of the open space in D.C....and then some wise public official has the brainchild that rather than sod a small portion of the park space, they could just sod all the park space with a little bit of grass! WOW!

If you are a botanist or any other kind of "ist" that likes to work with trees or grass and this is some kind of cutting edge technology, please let me know and I will kindly retract my rant. But, living in D.C. for nearly a year now it's easy to see that chances are this wasn't the smartest thing people could have done.

Well that does it for my latest "D.C. is Lame Because..." post. Until the next time I find something retarded in this city (which shouldn't be too long), farewell!