I couldn't have said it better...

Writer Michael Scherer's take on the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner. He nailed D.C. residents to the proverbial "T". Please take a moment to read how lame the people of this city are:

"The Coolest D.C. Party is Still Lame"

Open-Mouth Chewers

Some people fear that when they go to Hell (and I probably will), they will face a world of fire and brimstone. A place where demons will poke and prod at your flesh as you writhe in pain as Satan himself laughs at your misfortune.

I could only hope for such a fate, for I know mine will be much worse.

I fully expect my own personal hell to be populated by open-mouth chewers constantly enjoying a juicy meal right next to me for all eternity.

Where do these people come from? Who taught them how to eat? I once knew this girl...let's call her "Jenn L.". She was pleasant enough (in very small doses), but she really showed her white trash roots at lunch time. I can't describe to you the complete lack of attention she paid to her eating habits. I think I can only relate her chowing down on a sandwich to the T-Rex in "Jurassic Park" eating the lawyer: Just a whole lot of wide bites, lip smacking, and bits of food in her teeth.

I mean, by pure disgust at hearing herself chew you would think she would have self-corrected. Typically when a person performs an action wherein others stare at them in utter disbelief and disgust, that person tends to halt whatever it was they were doing. But no! No matter how incredulously I stare at her as she ruminates like a cow out to pasture, no matter how many blatant hints I drop, no matter how many times I dry heave in disgust, she does not get the hint. To her, this is all normal.

My solution: Death Squads. Just eradicate these people off the face of the Earth.

Brutal? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

Once we have rid the world of open-mouth chewers, it will be time to move onto the "Public Nose-Pickers". We'll save that for another blog...

Fuckin' D.C. (Had to put it in for good measure!)

A Cliche Revisement

I'm sure we've all heard the cliche, "It's like riding a bicycle". This phrase generally refers to an action that can be easily recalled with little difficulty or effort.

I am formally filing my protest with this terminology.

I bought a bike today. It's part of my "Let's get healthy and save some cash on Metro costs at the same time" movement I am in now. Back in the 'Good Ol' Days', I rode a bike everywhere for miles on miles. I was quite spry and nimble on it too. Quite the bikerider. In my head I heard that fateful cliche ringing outloud..."It's like riding a bicycle"... Hearkening back to my youth, I felt I would be able to leap onto the bike and take off down the road as if 10 years had gone by in an instant.

I was wrong.

I rode for a block and nearly killed myself. Another block, another near-death experience. Luckily by this point in time I had made it to my apartment and could end the awkwardness that was my first attempt at riding a bike again. Therefore, I am formally protesting the use of the cliche "It's like riding a bike" on a strong argument that it's FUCKING HARD!

Concurrently I am putting aside my macho bullshit ego and ordering a bike helmet. But it's gonna be blood red with flames or something cool like that!

DC was designed by a retarded 2 year-old...

So I heard before that Dan Brown is writing a book about how Washington, DC was designed by George Washington and his Mason buddies to have secret meanings. This is bullshit. After driving through this city over the weekend I am thoroughly convinced that DC was designed by some mentally challenged child. When you look at a map of the city, it seems as if this child barfed his spaghetti dinner onto the floor and then traced it out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm from Jersey (the only state in America who knows how to successfully navigate a circle) so fucked up streets are second nature to me. (Side note: It's a "circle", not a fucking "rotary"!) I spent exactly 10 minutes on the road before I exclaimed, "Oh, what the fuck?", which may be a new record for me. I have never seen a city with more traffic due to stupid city planning in my entire life. I live 2.5 miles from my school campus and it took me 30 minutes. 30 minutes! I could have dragged a dead mule to school faster than it took me to drive there!

If it's not the circles (or morons who don't know how to drive in one) then it's the messed up time-based directional roads. I've never seen this before. Rather than do something smart like fix the roads here, the government found a better way to screw up your commute by making roads uni- or bi-directional. But only on certain days or times. And they don't really make this information very readily available. So if you're new and you happen to find a way out of this jumblefuck of a city to get to your job or another important site chances are you can't ever take that route ever again because of these stupid driving rules.

Some days, roads change from 3 lanes to 4 lanes, which always makes for an interesting surprise as on-coming traffic begins to careen into your lane. Then the locals honk and stare at you as if you're insane for thinking the double yellow line next to you actually meant something. Another surprise the city likes to throw at you is random parking. Once again, after the mongoloid who thought this city up sat back and admired his work he realized he needed parking. But being too stupid and lazy just decided to make entire portions of a driving lane into temporary parking spots. You'll be cruising along minding your own business and all of a sudden the traffic ahead of you begins veering wildly to the left and before you know it you've nearly rear-ended a parked car. Then about 30 feet later it turns back into a traffic lane. Then 30 feet later it turns into parking. Then traffic lane. Then parking. Traffic. Parking. I guess it's good for keeping you on your toes...I guess.

I love DC.