So I heard before that Dan Brown is writing a book about how Washington, DC was designed by George Washington and his Mason buddies to have secret meanings. This is bullshit. After driving through this city over the weekend I am thoroughly convinced that DC was designed by some mentally challenged child. When you look at a map of the city, it seems as if this child barfed his spaghetti dinner onto the floor and then traced it out.
Don't get me wrong, I'm from Jersey (the only state in America who knows how to successfully navigate a circle) so fucked up streets are second nature to me. (Side note: It's a "circle", not a fucking "rotary"!) I spent exactly 10 minutes on the road before I exclaimed, "Oh, what the fuck?", which may be a new record for me. I have never seen a city with more traffic due to stupid city planning in my entire life. I live 2.5 miles from my school campus and it took me 30 minutes. 30 minutes! I could have dragged a dead mule to school faster than it took me to drive there!
If it's not the circles (or morons who don't know how to drive in one) then it's the messed up time-based directional roads. I've never seen this before. Rather than do something smart like fix the roads here, the government found a better way to screw up your commute by making roads uni- or bi-directional. But only on certain days or times. And they don't really make this information very readily available. So if you're new and you happen to find a way out of this jumblefuck of a city to get to your job or another important site chances are you can't ever take that route ever again because of these stupid driving rules.
Some days, roads change from 3 lanes to 4 lanes, which always makes for an interesting surprise as on-coming traffic begins to careen into your lane. Then the locals honk and stare at you as if you're insane for thinking the double yellow line next to you actually meant something. Another surprise the city likes to throw at you is random parking. Once again, after the mongoloid who thought this city up sat back and admired his work he realized he needed parking. But being too stupid and lazy just decided to make entire portions of a driving lane into temporary parking spots. You'll be cruising along minding your own business and all of a sudden the traffic ahead of you begins veering wildly to the left and before you know it you've nearly rear-ended a parked car. Then about 30 feet later it turns back into a traffic lane. Then 30 feet later it turns into parking. Then traffic lane. Then parking. Traffic. Parking. I guess it's good for keeping you on your toes...I guess.
I love DC.
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